We’ve all seen it. We’ve all heard it. It’s horrifying and scary. And now it’s spreading. JoJo Siwa unleashed her new song on the public last week, and now straight women across the nation are coming down with a debilitating case of lesbianism.
The first time you hear it, you can’t help but laugh at the forced nature of JoJo’s attempted rebrand. The music video is alarming and unsettling, and her red carpet interviews reveal an unparalleled level of delusional self righteousness.
But then, you wake up in the morning and you hear it. That haunting tune you were just making fun of is now stuck in your head. Like a bad heat rash on a hot summers day, it lingers.
When you get bitten by a werewolf, the venom slowly engulfs your body until you too howl at the moon and run rampant through the forest. Shocking new reports from across the country suggest that JoJo’s song has a similar effect on straight women. The following details one local woman’s experience.
“JoJo Siwa Made Me Experience Lesbian Ideation”
Morgan Whiney, a lifelong heterosexual with no previous homosexual tendencies, has been experiencing a multitude of impure thoughts since hearing JoJo’s “Karma” for the first time last week.
“I was appalled by the video at first,” she says, “but then I couldn’t stop thinking about it”. Morgan is one of thousands of women impacted by the infectious power of JoJo’s new song, and experts worry there may be no cure.
“Everything about me is changing,” Morgan tells us. “I can’t stop wearing polo shirts and listening to Girl in Red. I used to love my long hair, but I want an undercut so bad now”.
Morgan, like many others in her situation, is scared. She just wants to be a normal girl, but she doesn’t know how to ward off these devilish feelings.
JoJo, if you’re out there, please stop this madness. We get it. We’ve heard you. But please, please let these poor women return to their roots. We beg of you.
