A wave of terror flooded over me when I saw the notification. I swore my eyes were playing tricks on me. In the past, even a three minute voice memo made my bones shake with fear. Now, I was faced with nearly seven minutes of non-stop blabbing.
The most harrowing aspect of a voice memo this long is that it leaves you paralyzed for its entire duration. You can’t go scroll on Twitter, you can’t do some casual swiping on Tinder, and you can’t even text your other friends about the psychopath who just sent you a seven minute voice memo. You just have to sit there and endure it.
At first, I really wasn’t going to listen to it. Even though I’m unemployed, I just don’t have time for that. Bravely, however, I decided to be an incredible friend and listen to the message in its entirety.
Big mistake. Huge.
The message was about my friend’s “terrifying” experience of feeling what she thought was an earthquake, which was actually a blast from the rock quarry a few streets over.
This had potential to be an interesting 2-minute story. Maybe. But 7 minutes? That’s inexplicably too long.
My friend claimed she was “painting a picture” of the events. Interestingly enough, I could have painted an actual picture of a rock quarry exploding in the time that it took her to tell that story.
Nonetheless, I listened and I learned. I learned that my friend hates me because there is no other reason she would send me such a message.
*** If you have reached the end of this story, send me a DM on Instagram! This is a test to uncover the traitors and see who is truly faithful to the Tastefully Unhinged lifestyle.***
