Land of the free, home of the brave. The United States of America is no stranger to heroic acts of selflessness, honor, and sacrifice. Now, for the first time in history, a local man’s toilet has received the Medal of Honor for its courageous fight against its owner’s laxative overdose.
Gastrointestinal disorders are no laughing matter. Constipation can ruin lives, tear families apart, and cause immense physical and psychological damage. Tragically, enduring the effects of laxatives can often have similar results.
A spokesperson for the toilet says the day started like any other. It’s not a pleasant job, but the toilet had been working in its current home for 5 years, and it’s used to the work.
The toilet immediately knew it was in trouble when it heard thunderous footsteps running towards the bathroom.
“It’s never a good sign when someone’s running at full speed towards the restroom,” says the spokesperson. “It’s a scary time for both the toilet and its user”.
That intuitive feeling of fear that the toilet felt deep in its pipes turned out to be right, and for the next several hours it was working overtime.
Flush after flush, it persisted.
Despite trying to keep a positive attitude, there were times when the toilet did not know if it would survive.
“I was told it was very bleak,” the spokesperson tells us. “No toilet should have to go through what this one did”.
Incredibly, after surviving this harrowing battle, the toilet chose to show magnificent good will to the man who experienced the laxative overdose.
In a statement released after the incident, the toilet said “I wish him well, and I hope he knows I will always be there for him. It was difficult for both of us, but I hope we can move past this together”.
We applaud this toilet for its valiant fight, and we will continue to keep this man in our prayers. Clearly he is going through something dark.
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